I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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