Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
time to smoke my breakfast
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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