I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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