Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
