Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
