im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
