The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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