All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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