is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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