I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
