i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
