I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
