a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
