We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize