Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
