his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize