I met the friendliest cop last night
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
