I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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