we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
