is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
