I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
