just come out here and I will go home with you...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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