Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
