i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize