the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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