I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
