I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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