We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
