Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
