Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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