you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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