I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
is that a dick in a sweater?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
