I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
