We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
