So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
