Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
