I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
