Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
