All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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