I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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