Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
