i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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