So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
