you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My ass is underappreciated
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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