soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize