my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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