I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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