there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize