I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize