Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
