Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
