Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
