Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
