1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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