How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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